Friend: Wait but what made you sad haha
Me: Essentially, in this like 2 page essay, I argued that all the things that have helped me succeed as a minority and an immigrant have been crutches to allow myself to do only okay academically so, for example, because I know I can get into med school with a subpar score, I’m not going to try to score higher and etc. but I don’t know that and I should stop being crazy, but I can’t and it is really sad
Friend: Ahhh when did you write it? I don’t think that’s true at all for the record. I know you to work super hard and go above and beyond. You do more than your best!
Me: the date on it is Jan 2014
Friend: Look at you now tho!
Me: which means I wrote it for a course at Fordham, which is even sadder! I had students at the time!
Friend: I understand the doubt tho. I have it all the time and I don’t know if it’ll ever go away
Me: My rational mind agrees with you
I spent the last two weeks working with a resident who I was too slow for. she would put in orders and write hand-offs and do things for my patients that I was supposed to do, but I’m slower than she is and she didn’t have the patience
Friend: Does she have more experience though?
Me: instead of thinking something was wrong with her teaching style, I’ve been beating myself up over it. She’s a senior resident and I’m the “sub-intern”…so I am supposed to act as though she has 3 years experience on me
Friend: Ugh exactly. I know so many minorities going through exactly that. Myself including
Me: she asked me to evaluate her today… “What can I do better?”… I wanted to punch her
Friend: Like I’m working on a new Project with this white lady and she has me send her draft emails before I send them. And they’re internal emails so they don’t matter at all.
Friend: Instead of being like, “I feel confident enough to send this out” I just do what she says
Me: that’s insulting!
Friend: Like I freaking went to Princeton, I can write an email to my actual supervisor
Friend: I’m gonna try to work up the courage to say something
Our society sucks
Blame it, not yourself
Me: Has she had any actual feedback for you….bc if not you should just tell her you’re good
Friend: Like minor edits
It’s so stupid
Me: I hate that shit. I spent the entirety of my psych rotation dealing with someone like that
Friend: And the people who got the email of course answer in 3 seconds with incomplete sentences
Me: She would sit with me to rewrite my entire note for each of my patients, she would just change single words, or rewrite a sentence and end up saying the exact same thing. it was such a waste of time. I learned nothing.
Friend: Omg exactly this lady. It’s so insulting but actually does make me question my abilities
Me: Its so stupid that these things manage to have us questioning ourselves
Friend: We should remind each other not to let it!
I definitely need the reminder
Me: haha, we should, reminders might eventually make the difference.
Friend: Yeah we have enough nonsense voices trying to tell us otherwise
So if we hear the truth enough, hopefully, we’ll believe it!